Sports Pro Central

You: “Hey, let’s go see a game.”

Buddy: “Sure, lemme check for tix online… shit, everything is sold out.”

You: “Hmmm… wanna buy scalped tix?”

Buddy: “Fuck it. I’m not gonna support those grubby scalpers.”

Story sound familiar sports fans? If it doesn’t, then it means you live in a cash-strapped city with a shitty team nobody cares about. Cheap asses. BUT, isn’t scalping good for society? Typical anti-scalping rhetoric: scalping is greedy and prevents sports fans from enjoying the game at normal prices.

Reasons Why Scalping is Good

10. Remember Economics 101? The greatest achievement is maximizing revenue by finding that sweet spot between quantity sold x best price. If it’s going to sell out no matter what, then jack up the price. Good examples are NFL games, Leaf games, Red Sox games and boxing title bouts

9. Creates industry, in the form of Ticket Brokers

8. Ticket brokers hire homeless bums to wait in line for them. Therefore it gives these sad sacks reason to get up early, while earning a few bucks

7. It gives YOU reason to wake up early and get in line, or practice your internet skills as you desperately try to find a workaround for those “Page Cannot Be Found” messages on Ticketmaster

6. Gives reason to avoid downtown as psychotic-looking scalpers yell at you the second you make eye contact

5. Gives cops a way to enjoy sporting events without paying for them

4. Higher prices mean fewer families go, ergo less whiney kids

3. Scalped tickets means they’re always available at the right price, as long as you aren’t cheap

2. Team owners make more money. Less tickets available mean higher prices. As prices rise, owners jack up face value to go along with the ride. Scalpers and owners silently work together to inflate prices

1. Paying for a pair of absurdly priced scalped tix will impress any girlfriend